Back on the Saddle of my Fickle Pony

So after I gave myself an asthma attack blowing off the dust from this blog, there was a moment of clarity (during copious nose-blowing, of course) about why I have been so damn neglectful.

Writing is hard.

Yes, it’s hard. At least for a chronic procrastinator who’s also a perfectionist. Talk about double whammy there. And writing with those two devils on your shoulder is especially hard when you lack interest for the story you’re supposed to be churning out in a desperate flourish of poetic zeal — a state of nirvana my fellow fanficcers (and writers in general) seem to reach easily, just as easily as I pour hundreds of hours into an RPG and then whine that I have no time to write. Like, duh?

My creativity suffered a blow when my “daydreaming” time (yes I set aside time for that) dwindled to nothing because of my job. Two jobs, actually, no time to exercise those Alpha waves – and my imagination was poorer for it.

My personality type is INFP (Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving) and after reading the little blurbs on what I should be like, this in particular was an epiphany:

INFPs have very high standards and are perfectionists. Consequently, they are usually hard on themselves, and don’t give themselves enough credit. INFPs may have problems working on a project in a group, because their standards are likely to be higher than other members’ of the group. In group situations, they may have a “control” problem. The INFP needs to work on balancing their high ideals with the requirements of every day living. Without resolving this conflict, they will never be happy with themselves, and they may become confused and paralyzed about what to do with their lives.

INFPs are usually talented writers. They may be awkward and uncomfortable with expressing themselves verbally, but have a wonderful ability to define and express what they’re feeling on paper. INFPs also appear frequently in social service professions, such as counselling or teaching. They are at their best in situations where they’re working towards the public good, and in which they don’t need to use hard logic.

While I have no desire to be a social anything (as I dislike social in general) Much of that rings true for how I’ve been feeling lately. Here’s some other insights to my personality, in particular, daydreaming:

INFP children often create their own fantasy world and live very much within it. They may daydream about what is important to them, and sometimes others wonder if they are in touch with reality. They often get lost in their thoughts and books, and may develop a special ability in communicating, such as writing. They are somewhat reserved, especially in new situations.

INFPs have a need for perfection in connection with their personal values. They become frustrated with those who dwell on trivialities.

Which does explain my certain members of my family exhaust me. And why it’s hard for me to relate to many people since my personality type is literally 2% of the population. TWO PERCENT?

I’m a fucking unicorn.

That being said, daydreaming is essential for me to write. It’s like an artist with a paintbrush and no paint. No day dreaming = no writing. My lull in higher thinking drove me to “find” creativity. Play games that allowed me to live though a character in another world, or do silly things such as arrange a pixelated kingdom to be aesthetically pleasing.

It was satisfying, but empty, like a twinkie or candy bar when your body craves some lemon-herb chicken breast or Chinese take-out. But technically, you could live off twinkies for a while – until malnourishment makes your teeth fall out and a scaly rash has you itching your skin off. Not good.

So, I switched to third shift, started baking for the company I work for. Great. I get the building all to myself. No customers, no distractions, and once I learned everything, plenty of daydreaming time. I think my alpha waves have increased by 120%.

But then I get fired from my second job. Unfair reasons, returning employees wanted my hours. It’s that nice? But while that sucks financially, it actually improved my sleeping patterns and now I have even more daydreaming time. The crisis was over in that part of my brain, but returning to writing or even art – was still difficult. Now I had – have – bad habits.  And they are hard to break. Then there’s the other thing:

My career life in general. I hate where I’m at. It’s not even a “career”. It sucks not being able to save any money or work for a decent wage. There’s no one to blame but me, though. And owning up to that is difficult and even a little shaming. Like, this is all I have to show? Some fanfic? And I can’t even finish that properly.

At least I’m contemplating the saddle now. My pony has grown a bit shaggy and worn, but she can be a good ride. I managed to take her out a bit, not far, but over 2k words in a night is pretty good. I posted for the first time in almost a year.  Still have a few readers who stuck around. That’s comforting. The rest of my stories are coated with dust and need a thorough cleaning  – not editing – but a read through, get the old scent back again. The mindset that I lost.

Wish me luck 😀

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